I think the nicest thing I could say about my mother is she
was a bit crazy. The honest thing to say is she was just
plain wacko, nuts and insane. I know everyone thinks
those things about their mothers, but I assure you, mine
was the genuine article. She was raised Catholic and was
obsessed with seeing to it that her children were as well —
whether they liked it or not!
My mother was obsessed with the “End of the World”.
This came in the form of many events from the Second
Coming to Alien Invasion. Most of the time it was nuclear
holocaust. She was obsessed with the world ending.
When I was around twelve she insisted that my dad build
huge storage cabinets in the garage so she could fill them
with food. We had huge cans of instant mashed potatoes,
cases of tuna, hundreds of boxed of macaroni, bags of rice
and beans. There seemed to be a nearly endless supply of
food — my dad estimated it would feed our family for at
least 2-3 years. You can imagine our surprise when while
standing in the garage with a very satisfied looked on her
face my mother was heard to say “Well. That will last us
about six months.” My father looked at her in shock. “Six
months?! There’s enough here to last us and the kids at
least two years!” My mother looked at him very puzzled.
“Us and the Kids? No, no. This food is for my bothers
and sisters and their kids.” Well, it was nice to know
where her priorities were!
Around the same time, my mother announced she had a
message from God, who told her the specific day the
world would end and what she was to do. It seemed that
God wanted her to take the family to the remote eastern
Oregon desert and find a place called Anthony Lake. So
for an entire day we drove old dusty roads through the
desert, but we never found Anthony Lake. As the sun
went down, my mom announced that God had spared the
world and we could all go home. I guess God just loves a
good prank!
At seemingly random times, my mother would give us
advice on how to survive the Apocalypse. We would be
eating dinner and she would say things that would blow
your mind. “Now kids, remember when the Apocalypse
happens we all probably won’t be together. So I want
everyone to come back to the house and I will leave you a
message on what to do next.” She would then point to the
large dining room wall. “I’ll paint a message in big letters
on this wall and you can do the same.” I always
wondered where she was going to get the paint on such
short notice. And just what color DO you pick to write
your Apocalypse message? Blood Red? Green? Perhaps
a nice pastel?
On other times she would tell us that when the
Apocalypse came we all should head to my Grandparents
ranch in Eastern Oregon. “Get there anyway you can —
steal a car if you have to.” Steal a car? For cripes sake, I
didn’t even know how to drive?! And why would I want
to go to Eastern Oregon when all the food was back at our
place?!
The Apocalypse — Now?
Cannibalism — It’s What’s for Dinner!
To this day I still cannot recall why this topic came up in
the first place. I mean really, how many families sit
around talking about cannibalism? On second thought,
I’m not sure I want to know that! Yet, I think we can all
appreciate my mothers’ advice on this issue. “Don’t ever
eat human flesh because if you do you will crave nothing
but human flesh for the rest of your life.” That got me to
thinking — how would SHE know?! Was there a terrible
family secret she was withholding?
Thou Shalt Not Kill — Much!
As a good Catholic girl I went to CCD class every
Wednesday night at the church. One year my mother was
our teacher and we spent several classes talking about the
Ten Commandments, especially the ‘Thou shalt not kill’
one. My mother told us the standard rhetoric that if you
killed someone you would spend eternity in Hell. A few
weeks later we were watching television and there was a
story about a man who saved a woman from drowning. I
heard my mother remark “he’s going straight to Heaven.”
At this point my annoying logical thinking kicked in. “But
mom, what if he’s killed someone? Wouldn’t that mean
he’s going to Hell.” My mom thought for a moment and
told me that saving someone’s life “canceled out” a
murder that you did. So I asked her “If I become a
lifeguard and save ten people’s lives, does that mean I
have credit and I get to kill nine people and still go to
Heaven?” She never did answer me.
Tongue Tied
About 10 years ago a group of folks at my mother’s
Catholic church created a group where, among other
practices, they regularly “speak in tongues” — seems
pretty strange for a Catholic if you ask me. All I can say is
that god’s standards in the messenger department have
apparently been lowered, as he seems to be speaking
through people like my mother. My mother has gotten so
good at this that she will begin to do it at any given time,
although it seems to occur more during stressful moments
(such as conversations with her Atheist daughter). She’ll
say that she is overcome by the “spirit” and it wants to
speak through her, so she begins to babble. This often lasts
for 10-15 minutes. I find it all very amusing, especially
when she is driving down the highway and starts to do
this. It’s just like a carnival ride! One afternoon while she
was driving me home from a doctor’s appointment, she
interrupted a bland conversation we were having and
began to “speak in tongues”. What I find interesting is
that she was still able to drive the car, even stopping when
she was supposed to. I guess the “spirit” that overtook
her had a few Drivers Education classes! She claims that it
is God who speaking directly through her. My usual reply
to her is “If God had something to say to me or you, he
wouldn’t be babbling”. That usually guarantees an end to
the conversation — well, at least a conversation that I can
understand!
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Angela C. Byers
Copyright © 1996 - 2006 Angela C. Byers